A Letter to my Son of his Wedding Day

This is the second time we’ve celebrated a son getting married. I gave a few words at the wedding reception, but didn’t have notes and to my knowledge the reception wasn’t recorded. So I’m not sure, but I think I said something along the lines of what follows. I’m writing this well after the fact, so the accuracy may have slipped further. But this is what I think I said about Andrew. Or something close.

I’m going to say what I have to say. Forgive me if I ugly cry.

We have four sons, and it is a privilege to watch each of them growing into their adult selves. The job of a child growing up is to become their own person–to differentiate from their parents–to move into their own adult identities. The job of a parent is to learn how to let go and let that process happen. As Laurel’s father Chris just illustrated with the image of Laurel running away from him down the beach—not even looking back!–it is not always easy. We want them to go—we encourage it, celebrate it—but it is also a piece of our own hearts, running down that beach.

Our kids take the raw material they get from us, for better or for worse, and try to make something out if it. I have four partial copies of myself out there. And not only me, they carry bits and pieces of all kinds of people. Christian, the oldest, is a lot like my father, Grandpa Joe. He’s disciplined, spiritual, and he values simplicity. He likes ideas and doesn’t need much in the way of material things. Grandpa Joe was entirely content with a new pair of socks at Christmas and nothing else. Daniel, tonight’s MC, is most like Reuben out of all the boys. He has Reuben’s physique and his dry wit and snapping sense of humor. Jacob, I have no explanation for. He just came down the way he is from the Gods. Maybe I have Bruce to thank for that!

But Andrew, in some very essential ways, is like me. That might not be what you want to hear, Andrew. But of all the boys, you are the most like me. I get you, Andrew. I understand how you work. I see my own strengths and weaknesses reflected back at me in you. And you are also the one who drives me crazy the most. Everything that bugs me about myself also bugs me about you. That means I blow up at you sometimes when what’s happening is more about me than it is about you. I’m sorry.

Our kids take that raw material they get from us and make it better than we ever could. Andrew goes beyond me in so many ways. A smarter, better, more talented version. Andrew has some star power! Let me tell you about Andrew. Not only was he the Beast in Beauty and the Beast, and Romeo in Romeo and Juliet, he was Bono is U2’s rock opera version of Romeo and Juliet! I cried through the whole three-hour show.

And let me tell you about Laurel. Laurel is not an Andrew groupie. I am. I’m a total fan. Laurel lets Andrew be Andrew, and she loves and appreciates all that he is, to be sure–but she’s not overshadowed by him. Laurel is her own person, and has her own strength.

Andrew and Laurel, you’ve chosen well. You don’t compete with each other, or outshine each other. You support each other’s gifts without getting lost in them yourself. Andrew, you’ve married a very strong person. My prayer for you is that you never have to learn just how strong she is.

Laurel, I give you this son I love so much–I give him to you without hesitation or reservation. I know it’s not cool anymore to talk about giving your kids away. My parents didn’t give me away at either wedding–in fact, it was you boys who walked me down the isle when we married Bruce. Our kids are their own people and make their own decisions. But they are also still our kids, and we’ve been responsible for them for so long, it’s almost a habit by now. But NOW, a parent’s responsibility is to step back and let those kids run down the beach, or hearts in our throats. So it feels somehow OK to step back and say, Laurel! Here is your Andrew. We celebrate him as your husband, just as we celebrate you as his wife.

And Laurel, you are part of part of our family now. You along with Leigha get to teach us how to be in-laws. You might have to be patient as we grow into those roles.

My desire for you is that our home can be a city of refuge for you whenever you need it. We want to be a place of safety and comfort for you, a low-drama retreat when you need it. This is our promise that we will try to grow into.

Andrew and Laurel, we love you so much. We celebrate with your decision to approach the rest of your lives with this fabulous person by your side. Laurel, we pledge to offer our home to you as your city of refuge should you need us–another pillar next to the pillar of your family, your faith, your circle of friends. Welcome and congratulations! We love you so much.

Photographs by Rose Shenk and Wendy Evans. Professional wedding photography by Thomas Erikson. Music is Poor Boy’s Delight by the Infamous Stringdusters and John and Mary by IIIrd Tyme Out.